A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not “Crazy” | The Current Conscience

You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!

Sound familiar?

If you’re a woman, it probably does.

Do you ever hear any of these comments from your spouse, partner, boss, friends, colleagues, or relatives after you have expressed frustration, sadness, or anger about something they have done or said?

When someone says these things to you, it’s not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without calling—that’s inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, “Calm down, you’re overreacting,” after you just addressed someone else’s bad behavior, is emotional manipulation—pure and simple.

 

And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. It’s patently false and unfair.

I think it’s time to separate inconsiderate behavior from emotional manipulation and we need to use a word not found in our normal vocabulary.

I want to introduce a helpful term to identify these reactions: gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a term, often used by mental health professionals (I am not one), to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy.

The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergman’s husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergman’s character reacts to it, he tells her she’s just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victim’s perception of him or herself.

Today, when the term is referenced, it’s usually because the perpetrator says things like, “You’re so stupid” or “No one will ever want you,” to the victim. This is an intentional, pre-meditated form of gaslighting, much like the actions of Charles Boyer’s character in Gaslight, where he strategically plots to confuse Ingrid Bergman’s character into believing herself unhinged.

The form of gaslighting I’m addressing is not always pre-mediated or intentional, which makes it worse, because it means all of us, especially women, have dealt with it at one time or another.

Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction—whether it’s anger, frustration, sadness—in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren’t rational or normal.

My friend Anna (all names changed to protect privacy) is married to a man who feels it necessary to make random and unprompted comments about her weight. Whenever she gets upset or frustrated with his insensitive comments, he responds in the same, defeating way, “You’re so sensitive. I’m just joking.”

My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily to unnecessarily shoot down her performance and her work product. Comments like, “Can’t you do something right?” or “Why did I hire you?” are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldn’t know that based on these comments, Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says, “It doesn’t help me when you say these things,” she gets the same reaction: “Relax; you’re overreacting.”

Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And it’s exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job.

But gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, “You’re so sensitive,” to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, the speaker is making a judgment about how someone else should feel.

While dealing with gaslighting isn’t a universal truth for women, we all certainly know plenty of women who encounter it at work, home, or in personal relationships.

And the act of gaslighting does not simply affect women who are not quite sure of themselves. Even vocal, confident, assertive women are vulnerable to gaslighting.

Why?

Because women bare the brunt of our neurosis. It is much easier for us to place our emotional burdens on the shoulders of our wives, our female friends, our girlfriends, our female employees, our female colleagues, than for us to impose them on the shoulders of men.

It’s a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don’t refuse our burdens as easily. It’s the ultimate cowardice.

Whether gaslighting is conscious or not, it produces the same result: it renders some women emotionally mute.

These women aren’t able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can’t tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can’t tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.

When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, “Forget it, it’s okay.”

That “forget it” isn’t just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It’s heartbreaking.

No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.

They say, “I’m sorry,” before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.

You know how it looks: “You’re late ”

These are the same women who stay in relationships they don’t belong in, who don’t follow their dreams, who withdraw from the kind of life they want to live.

Since I have embarked on this feminist self-exploration in my life and in the lives of the women I know, this concept of women as “crazy” has really emerged as a major issue in society at large and an equally major frustration for the women in my life, in general.

From the way women are portrayed on reality shows, to how we condition boys and girls to see women, we have come to accept the idea that women are unbalanced, irrational individuals, especially in times of anger and frustration.

Just the other day, on a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles, a flight attendant who had come to recognize me from my many trips asked me what I did for a living. When I told her that I write mainly about women, she immediately laughed and asked, “Oh, about how crazy we are?”

Her gut reaction to my work made me really depressed. While she made her response in jest, her question nonetheless makes visible a pattern of sexist commentary that travels through all facets of society on how men view women, which also greatly impacts how women may view themselves.

As far as I am concerned, the epidemic of gaslighting is part of the struggle against the obstacles of inequality that women constantly face. Acts of gaslighting steal their most powerful tool: their voice. This is something we do to women every day, in many different ways.

I don’t think this idea that women are “crazy,” is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it’s connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as “crazy.”

I recognize that I’ve been guilty of gaslighting my women friends in the past (but never my male friends—surprise, surprise). It’s shameful, but I’m glad I realized that I did it on occasion and put a stop to it.

While I take total responsibility for my actions, I do believe that I, along with many men, am a byproduct of our conditioning. It’s about the general insight our conditioning gives us into admitting fault and exposing any emotion.

When we are discouraged in our youth and early adulthood from expressing emotion, it causes many of us to remain steadfast in our refusal to express regret when we see someone in pain from our actions.

When I was writing this piece, I was reminded of one of my favorite Gloria Steinem quotes, “The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.”

So for many of us, it’s first about unlearning how to flicker those gaslights and learning how to acknowledge and understand the feelings, opinions, and positions of the women in our lives.

But isn’t the issue of gaslighting ultimately about whether we are conditioned to believe that women’s opinions don’t hold as much weight as ours? That what women have to say, what they feel, isn’t quite as legitimate?

 

by Yashar Ali

12 September 2011

Originally posted on The Current Consience blog:

A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not “Crazy” | The Current Conscience.

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I have gone out far too often within the past several weeks not to be greeted
with friendly hugs from familiar friends and awesome high fives from pals, but
rather to be welcomed by strange hands reaching around my waist and unfamiliar
palms smacking my derriere. These actions happen far too often at way too many
colligate celebrations. A woman will simply attempt to socialize and end up getting
groped.

These actions happened to me last weekend. I attempted to get my groove
on at a stereotypical bash. I stood up against the wall, surrounded by the company
of friends, and wiggled along to the rhythms of the omnipresent dubstep. In two
hip shakes I had my first suitor. But unlike in the Victorian era, this caller didn’t
ask for permission to grab my hand, but rather he forcibly got up on me. I extracted
myself from his sweaty clench and told him that his actions were unwanted. Upset,
he staggered off. I re-situated myself and began to dance again. Just as I got into
whatever top 40 song was blaring, the man grabbed me once again. However, this
time I was not so kind.

“You can’t just grab me!” I yelled above the thunder of the party, “You have to ask
first! And if I say ‘No!’ I mean no. It doesn’t mean that you can grab me again. It’s not
fine and it’s not welcome.”
“What do you think I’m a murderer?” He slurred as he questioned my motives “Do
you think I’m a rapist? Seriously, what’s your problem?”

My only problem was him, and the general attitude that this behavior is
acceptable. There are far too many men who view these grope-y, grabby actions
as fine and dandy. They think that they have automatic consent and act without
regards to the feelings of the touched.

Well, one might ask, aren’t you inviting these motions by dressing up, going
out and wiggling about? The answer to that is a resounding no. I have every right to
go out and dance. I have every right to get dressed up. I have every right to have fun.
I should have every right to accomplish every one of these tasks without the fear of
being seized by a stranger.

This behavior is not okay and it is causing so many more issues. First and
foremost these actions are making women feel uncomfortable. Women shouldn’t
have to make up code words, wear clothes they don’t want to or leave social
gatherings because men make them feel uncomfortable. Secondly, because of the
prevalence of these actions, these attitudes are widely accepted and not questioned.

Yet there is a simple solution to these problems. Men need to ask women
before they make a move on her. Women shouldn’t allow themselves to dance with
men who don’t ask for permission.

Men- this action takes two seconds. If you’re rejected it isn’t the end of the
world. Women- if a man dance without asking you first, remember you probably
don’t want to be with him anyways.
So people- please make the college rite more enjoyable for me and for
everyone else. Ask before you grab.

Secret Agents Fall 2011 Video

The Downright Offensive Halloween Costumes

The Downright Offensive

By: Rachelle Rowe

I’m not going to lie: I love Halloween. I’m a theatrical person. I love costumes, glitter and makeup. I am in no way ashamed of these facts. I am, however, ashamed of the delightfully offensive costumes that seemed to be marketed towards me each and every year.

It is always fun to slip into someone else’s skin. Halloween is the ideal time of year to do this. Yet, it is crucial to wear another person’s mask without offending them.

Gangsta, Geisha, Illegal Alien, Indian Princess, and Terrorist are not okay costumes. These are not accurate representations of races and cultures. To reduce various ethnicities to horrible parodies of a costume is also not okay.

Take my personal favorite offensive costume, “Chinese Take Out” that comes complete with chopsticks, a fortune cookie hat and a dress that reads “Enjoy” across the bust and “Thank you” across the crotch. First of all, this costume is in no way Chinese.  It is simply a stereotype of an Americanized version of what “Chinese” is. Second of all, the hyper-sexualization of this costume feeds into already too-prominent stereotypes of Asian women. Thirdly, well there is not thirdly, this costume is just wrong.

Even though this costume is blatantly offensive it is still sold out. Yes, you read correctly. Every single one of the “Chinese Take Out” costumes has been bought. But before these people bought this awful costume, did they question it’s level of taste ( no pun intended, I swear)? Did they ask themselves if they were going  to perpetuate stereotypes?

First of all these costumes should not be sold. But secondly, consumers need to stop buying them. So please, before you buy a Halloween costume, ask yourself if it is okay or if it is offensive. And if you have to ask yourself that question, maybe you should find a different costume. Because remember, it’s not a costume that you’re wearing, it’s a culture.

Halloween Costumes The Good, the Bad and The Ugly – Mostly Just the Ugly

By: Rachelle Rowe

Every year, around this time, I have a last minute scramble to find some sort of costume for everyone’s favorite October holiday (because in no way is it Columbus Day). However, with my limited budget, creativity and time I always seem to have issues coming up with some clever and original idea in time for the looming gloomy holiday. This does not keep me from spending numerous hours searching online for that one costume that embodies my personality to a “t”.

And the only conclusion I have come to, in my hours of internet searching, is that the things women are supposed to aspire to be are very sad.

Halloween is a night of fantasy. It’s a holiday when you can shrug off your backpack and leap into a new façade of carelessness. It’s a night where you can pretend to be who you’ve always wanted to be. And apparently for me, it happens to be any occupation, animal or board game with the name “slutty” in the title.

Don’t believe me? Take two seconds on Google to see all of the absurd sexy Halloween outfits. My favorites include:  Sexy Twister, Sexy Remote Control (complete with a mute button), Sexy Mrs. Potato Head, and Sexy Banana.

There are numerous problems with these findings. First of all, why do all of these costumes seem to be some sort of bastardization of childhood fantasy? Why do women have to be infantilized on the scariest time of year? Because you know, the only thing scary than goblins and ghouls are women dressed as sexy Elmos and as sexy Bugs Bunnies. It’s disturbing that the first sexy costume that women turn to are these objects of childhood, creating an image of even less dignified submissiveness.

And why do these costumes have to be sexy? This perhaps is the most important question of all. Why, during the chill of October, is it necessary to drop upwards of $50 on a tube top of a sexy costume? Why is this childhood holiday the time to be sexy? Why is this scary holiday a time to be sexy?

It shouldn’t feel like a requirement to be sexy on Halloween. It should be a celebration, just like when we all were kids, to slip into that fantasy, your own fantasy, for one magical night. No one should dress as a Sexy Nemo in order to impress some guy, or to be the hottest thing at a party. Everyone should dress so they feel comfortable with themselves.

So no, I’m not trying to slut shame anyone who feels comfortable enough in his or her skin to don a Sexy Crayon costume. I am trying to say that there shouldn’t be any pressure to be sexy on Halloween, the one night where anyone could be anything. Not simply a sexy anything.

All photos from:  yandy.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Margaret Sloss Women’s Center: An Underutilized Resource

by Ahna Kruzic

The Margaret Sloss Women's Center is located in the Sloss House (pictured) between Curtiss Hall and Gerdin Business Building.

Having served as an active volunteer at the Margaret Sloss Women’s Center since my first semester at Iowa State, I’ve begun to realize how truly underutilized the facility is. The center, often referred to as the Women’s Center or the Sloss House, is the small residential-looking structure on Central Campus nestled between Curtiss Hall and the Gerdin Business Building. The Margaret Sloss Women’s Center’s mission is to “…promote equity and social change on the Iowa State University campus for women students, staff, and faculty. Through a feminist lens, the center advocates for individuals and groups; provides support, referrals, community and programming; and maintains a safe space in the Sloss House.”

The Women’s Center provides extensive community resources and referrals for students in any imaginable situation. Information and support is available for non-traditional adult students. Referrals to ACCESS (Assault Care Center Extending Shelter and Support) and other sexual assault support services are offered. Support for students with children is offered and information on lactation locations across campus is updated and distributed frequently. Information on community resources such as child care assistance, education and counseling, employment and financial assistance, food, clothing, and furniture banks, medical and wellness resources, rent and utility assistance and volunteer opportunities are provided- just to name a few.

In addition to the extensive amount of valuable community resources associated with the Women’s Center, the Center also offers a welcoming student-centered atmosphere on the main floor. The main floor includes a kitchen complete with refrigerator and freezer, a microwave, an oven, a dishwasher, coffee maker, separate coffee maker for warming water to use in cocoa and tea, baking and serving utensils, dishes, and a kitchen table. The main floor also has a living room that seats up to 15 individuals and is complete with HDTV cable, a sunroom with a couch, table, and chairs, and a computer room with three computers and a printer. All of the latter is available to all students (not just women), Monday through Friday from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Though the Margaret Sloss Women’s Center offers a plethora of resources for students, faculty, and staff, perhaps the Center’s greatest asset is its welcoming atmosphere. The Women’s Center has an uncanny ability to make you feel as if you’re relaxing at home in the middle of the workday- it’s not uncommon to see a student napping in the sun room, pulling lunch out of the refrigerator, or just watching the afternoon news while sprawled out on one of the couches.  The walls are adorned with local art, the kitchen is always clean, free samples of essentials such as razors, chapstick, and condoms are often left out for students, and the people are friendly; the atmosphere is simply absolutely unmatched by any place on campus.

Adding to the unparalleled atmosphere of the Women’s Center is the amazing women and men who work there. These individuals are passionate about what they do, and it really translates to a positive experience for any student who frequents the space that they do. As a result, students leave feeling respected, valued, and taken care of. The Margaret Sloss Women’s Center, one of Iowa State’s underutilized gems, is a place that wholesomely contributes to the overall well-being of all students who visit- and it shows. The space is truly invaluable to the Iowa State community and I encourage faculty, students, and staff to take advantage of the uniquely supportive atmosphere that the Margaret Sloss Women’s Center offers.

by Ahna Kruzic

Iowa State University | Sociology and Philosophy

Government of the Student Body | Director of ISU Ambassadors

akruziv@iastate.edu

Sexual Assault (Smartphone) App

On 13 July 2011, Vice President Joe Biden, The White House Office of Science & Technology Policy and Health & Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius issued a challenge: “Apps Against Abuse” (here’s the press release). The purpose is to provide an incentive for industry to develop “an easy-to-use application that provides a targeted way for young women to designate trusted friends, allies, or emergency contacts and provide a means for checking-in with these individuals in real-time, particularly in at-risk situations. The winning application will also provide quick access to resources and information on sexual assault and teen dating violence, as well as where to go for help.”

I’m in strong support for this action in that there is an immediate need to both raise awareness of sexual violence as well as provide the resources and means to actively prevent or stop it. Both are very empowering things to do. As a staff member of the Margaret Sloss Women’s Center this is one of my primary functions in advocating and providing support for the campus community. Yet as I cast my support the creation of such an app I see trouble from a broader perspective.

As I read the article I realized that the conversation STILL employs the antiquated and limited concept that “sexual violence is something that only men do to women.” Although it’s difficult to know exact statistics this has always been true for the majority of sexual violence. Still, a man is not immune to sexual violence or relationship abuse even if he is heterosexual. Framing the social dysfunction of “sexual violence” in such a way is inappropriately both heterosexist and genderist (or gender conformacist). First, I define heterosexism as the belief that opposite-sex sexuality/relationships is the superior and only valid sexuality. This excludes same-sex sexuality/relationships from the conversation. Second, I define genderism/gender conformacism as the belief that gender conformance is the superior and only valid gender identity and form of expression. Gender conformance is the limiting, binary concept that female-bodied persons must predominantly express femininity while male-bodied persons must predominantly express masculinity. The gendersim inherent to the conversation excludes people whose gender identity and/or expression is not gender conforming. Therefore, the dialogues occurring at the highest level of our government about sexual violence fail to recognize our whole community. As a consequence victims/survivors of sexual violence in LGBTQ relationships as well as heterosexual males are left out and their experiences are denied recognition.

Another area of concern: WHO would this “app” affect? Specifically, WHO has a Smartphone?… those with economic class privilege who can afford one. Also, will the app be accessible for persons with varying physical or mental abilities (audio, visual, or perceptual) or who don’t speak fluent English? Although it certainly could and I hope it will, I doubt it. So although this app is intended to reduce sexual violence on college campuses it has the unintended impact of only targeting a limited, privileged proportion of campus communities.

Lastly and perhaps most important: How does this app challenge our culture’s victim-blaming belief that the responsibility of preventing and stopping sexual violence lies with potential victims/survivors? IT DOESN’T. In no way will this app address the fact that perpetrators of sexual violence are 100% at fault for their crimes. This app joins the vast majority of efforts to end sexual violence that are focused on potential victims/survivors as opposed to potential perpetrators. As such it has the effect of reinforcing the false idea that survivors of sexual violence are at fault for their own victimization.

It probably seems like I hate this “Apps Against Abuse” challenge but like I said before, I’m in support of it. However, I strongly oppose its heterosexist, genderist, and victim-blaming foundations as well as its potential inaccessibility based on socioeconomic status, physical or mental ability, and language. When the rhetoric of sexual violence and the application of practices to end it are not intentionally inclusive of all affected groups we fail to legitimize the experience of those excluded groups. Lacking legitimacy from one’s own government and society is tantamount to dehumanization and reinforces systems of supremacy and oppression. From my experience, creating a program or project that is focused on ENGAGING PEOPLE AS POTENTIAL PERPETRATORS of sexual violence is rarely undertaken because it is very, very difficult. For one, implementation of such action requires a level of skill and charisma that is difficult to develop. More so, interacting with participants who are potential victims/survivors might seem easier than interacting with participants who are potential perpetrators. Consider this: If you advertised your program or project that focuses on potential perpetrators of sexual violence who would be open and willing to actively engage?! Self-identifying as a potential rapist is a psychologically scary and painful thing to do. Being told one is a potential rapist will cause most people to shut down immediately. To see the face of violence in the mirror is not something many people are willing to do. Yet understanding one’s social position in a victim-blaming, patriarchal, rape culture is, in my opinion, the first step we have to take in working to end sexual violence.

Creating this smartphone app is a good idea but it’s just the easy, safe action for the government to push for. Yet in lieu of everything else I’ve considered here it’s just another expression of our governments disinterest in creating foundational, socially just change.

 

by Dustin Neff

neffd@iastate.edu

Graduate Assistant – Equity & Social Justice Educator

Margaret Sloss Women’s Center –Iowa State University

203 Sloss House

Ames, IA 50011

P 515-294-4154

A Thank You to Liz

As my junior year wraps up and I enter my last year as an undergraduate, I’ve been reflecting a lot on my time as a student at Iowa State. After a bit of thinking, I’ve realized I have learned the most not from my classes, but from my experiences outside of the classroom. I can say without a doubt that I have personally grown and gained the most by way of my extracurricular involvement.

I encourage you to get involved. I don’t advocate involvement because of the typical reasons you hear from your advisors and parents- not for reasons such as improving your resume, learning skills valuable to your future career, or learning time management and organization strategies. Though all valuable skills, I have chosen to advocate involvement because through my extracurricular experiences, I have had the privilege of meeting an individual who has contributed more to my personal growth, maturing, and general passion for life than I could have ever found in a classroom or textbook.

I’ve volunteered at the Women’s Center since I’ve been a student at Iowa State. I love the atmosphere, the passion, the people- I have since I started. I’ve always identified as a feminist and enjoyed reading and learning about feminist causes. However, this year I have went through a definite personal transformation.

After taking many social-justice related classes and being involved with many extracurricular organizations and committees related to social justice, lobbying, writing letters to representatives and attending public forums and rallies, my education was beginning to hit me full-circle. I was beginning to realize I wasn’t the same person I was when I began my time at Iowa State. It struck me at once; I had done a whole lot of growing up in a very short period of time. I had finally begun to realize I didn’t see the world around me the same way I had when I first came to Iowa State.

This realization came with some troubling implications. I had realized my friends from high school and the friends I had chosen my freshmen year at Iowa State no longer got me, hell I didn’t even get me; but I knew we no longer saw the world through the same lens. I saw their eyes glaze over when I talked about issues that were important to me. I was hurt when they wouldn’t attend an event I had worked on all of first semester. I was frustrated when I’d have to listen to them talk about “how disgusting that gay couple on Grey’s Anatomy is”. When I brought up aspirations of going into politics, they “couldn’t see me being elected for something”. As I grew as an individual and found out who I was, I was realizing the social circles I had aligned myself with when I was younger and when I first arrived at Iowa State no longer aligned with me in the way they once had. Feeling misunderstood and frustrated, the Margaret Sloss Women’s Center, where I volunteer, has been my haven since the beginning of the year. It was a place I could go where I knew I could find an incredible sense of community and understanding that is unmatched by anything else. In particular, I found Liz.

I met Liz, a graduate assistant at the Women’s Center, at the beginning of Fall semester this year when she first started her assistantship at the Women’s Center at the beginning of her second year in the Educational Leadership and Policy Studies program, or ELPS. Though I connect with literally everyone at the Women’s Center, I immediately felt an alignment with Liz that was unmatched by anyone else- and I know I’m not the only student to feel this way.  Liz and I began our ongoing conversation around feminism and social justice when we were outraged by an article published in this paper written by RJ Green, entitled Sexy Things You Care About; from there, the conversation continues.

Through my year of self-discovery, perhaps what I’ve learned most about is what I am capable of as a person. I truly have Liz to thank for that. Being socially aware is mentally exhausting; I believe that’s why most people choose to ignore the issues our society face today. Often frustrated and feeling as if change was impossible, Liz has taught me to believe in myself and in the possibility of social change through my own personal actions.

All year, I had strangers telling me I was ridiculous for spending my weekends in Madison protesting. I could get strangers to lobby before my own friends would.  I had classmates tell me that I was wasting my time. I had friends constantly questioning my reasoning and logic for actually giving a shit about social justice. This was my reality- I faced criticism, questioning, or apathy regarding my passions every day of my life. Liz has given me the confidence and optimism to truly face these criticisms.

I’d like to say I didn’t need affirmation from anyone. I’d like to say I’ve been self-assured enough this whole year to pursue social change without affirmation in the face of criticism, hate mail, complaints, and disagreements. However, as I’ve just recently realized, Liz was the exact person I needed to get me through this phase of uncertainty and growth. I needed someone to tell me they saw something in me, because I wasn’t sure that I saw that much potential in myself. I needed someone to tell me what I was doing was making a difference, because running on two hours of sleep and trying to stay awake to catch up on the latest bill attacking planned parenthood can be flat out hard to do.  I needed someone who I knew saw eye-to-eye with me, because after a full day of having your best friends question you for the sake of argument, your professors using “rape” as a verb in lecture, your grandparents defining success for you as finding a “good husband”, your friend getting sexually assaulted, and a random stranger commenting on the physique of your legs or some other body part, sometimes I just needed a little old-fashioned venting time and support from a person who completely understood me.

Though I’ve only known Liz a year, she entered my life at exactly the right time. I’ll miss her upon her graduation (congratulations!), but she’s leaving my life at the right time as well. I’ve gained confidence, hope, knowledge, and optimism for the future. Because of Liz, I now fully understand my own potential as an activist, the potential of others, and the potential for social change.

Students, get involved- whatever it is that happens to make you tick. No matter what it is, I promise there’s someone on campus that completely gets you.  You never know who or what you’ll find that could change your life for the better.

Liz, I’d like to thank you- you’ve got big things in student affairs ahead of you. I know you’ve touched my, as well as many other students’ lives. It is my hope that every student gets involves and finds someone/something that assists in their personal growth as much as you have mine.

Ahna Kruzic

Iowa State University | Sociology and Philosophy

akruzic@iastate.edu

Encouragement

“I believe you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, all the time.  So do it.”

Sadie knows what’s up!  We are all connected – more so now through digital media than ever before.  And through this connection, we have an obligation to support each other.  Lately, I’ve watched a lot of youtube.com videos with little girls offering positive affirmations for themselves and others, going on about their personal goals in life, and basically celebrating the talents they have.  I think we ought to keep doing this into adulthood.

As the semester closes out, I wish all of you well.  I want you to know that you are fondly thought of as you finish up assignments, prepare to take final exams, and get ready to move on to whatever adventure awaits you this summer. Don’t forget that the Sloss House makes a great place to study and relax between tests!  And we have a kitchen and free coffee!

Penny, our Director here, has us go around at each staff meeting and share a “Smile Sighting”.  A Smile Sighting is something you’ve witnessed in the previous week that made you smile.  We share our sightings with one another as a way to celebrate small things in life.  I think Sadie here is my smile sighting for this week.

As my friends and I start (and continue) job searching, we got into the yucky habit of wallowing in self-doubt and worry.  So we began a new tradition.  Each week, we have to share something we are proud of.  It can be something we did in class, at home, or at work.  But every week, we have to find something to be proud of and share it with someone else.

I guess as things wind up to wind down, I just wanted to leave you with the notion that we should all be doing something we’re good at – something we like doing, we need to find the small things in life to smile about, and we have to be proud of ourselves.  Because certainly, we are talented people.

Liz Steinborn, Graduate Assistant at the Margaret Sloss Women’s Center, eas123@iastate.edu

Feminism as a journey

Summer isn’t here yet, but I have been spending a good portion of my time reflecting on my past year and my journey as a feminist. It’s been a year of transformation, knowledge and frustration and I am thankful for it.

When school began this year, I didn’t talk about my Women’s Studies major degree, I either left it out of the conversation or told people I was in the major because most of the classes I already took were cross-listed with other classes in other majors-which somehow made it seem more respectable, despite the fact that I loved my classes and knew I wanted to be involved with it my entire life.

I wouldn’t say I was a feminist out loud, just because it seemed like no one would take me seriously. I knew not all feminist burned their bras, had hairy legs and all those other myths, but I also knew not everyone else knew that, nor would they changed their minds. So it was something I knew I was, but wouldn’t admit to.

Then slowly things started changing. I could tell you it was completely personal, but it wasn’t. What happened was I found people who were like me and identified as feminist. That’s where my journey began and continues today.

Around November I started volunteering at the Women’s Center because I wanted to get more involved on campus and as a Women’s Studies major it seemed like a given that I should volunteer there. Plus I knew I wanted to work with a feminist organization after college, so it was a good place to start.

From day one there I found my niche. I walked in and there were people talking about the Victoria Secret fashion show and how it objectifies women, and sassily critiquing it. I eased into the conversation slowly but I found myself thinking that finally someone outside of my classes finally “got it.”

It was a snowball effect from there.

From the Sloss House I found the truly amazing Vagina Warriors, who are some of the most amazing people I have met in college. These women claimed the label, and had no shame in it. They cared about what I cared about, and helped me find things I had no idea existed. The Vagina Warriors introduced me to the Vagina Monologues, Ask a feminist, and Take Back the Night which led me to ACCESS where I will be interning at this summer.

Each new experience allowed me to say a little bit louder that I was a feminist to the point I am at today. I don’t hide my feminism for fear that others won’t “get it” but try and explain to them what it means and why I claim the label. Sometimes they understand it, and sometimes they don’t, but it doesn’t stop me from being who I am.

Not only did I find inspiring people but they taught me so much that you can’t learn in a classroom, like how to lobby, stand up for what you believe in or do social justice on campus. People are continuously helping me learn things like white privilege, how to be an ally and how to go about applying to graduate school. I’ve grown as a person because the people I met pushed me to be a better person and calmly explained how to do better if I screwed up. They were there for advice and they there for congratulations and I believe I was there for them when they need me.

The point is that sometimes it’s hard to do things alone, and it’s helpful to have people there to encourage and be someone you can lean on if you need help. It takes a lot of courage to stand up alone, and even if you are alone at the time, it is good to know that afterwards you have someone to go to. It’s a hard place to start from, but go out and met people, no matter how scared you might be. Find people who like the things you do, but don’t be afraid to go outside your comfort zone.

Each new experience and person you meet helps you grow in so many ways, that you don’t recognize it at first until much later on. People say there is strength in numbers, and I think that goes both internally as well as externally. I would still be in my little cocoon if I kept my feminism in the classroom and not embrace it in my everyday life.

I don’t know what will happen my senior year and beyond, but I know that I am not done learning and but I do have powerful and brilliant friends that I know will be there for me every step of the way. To end off on a cheesy note: feminism is a journey not a destination, there will be new experiences and new things to learn the entire way.

Abby Barefoot is a volunteer at the Margaret Sloss Women’s Center and Vagina Warrior. She is a Junior in Journalism and Women’s Studies.  Follow her on Twitter @notsobarefoot